Or how Ben
Franklin and Thomas Jefferson got saddled once but only once
with a boring and unwanted burden.
War had it's less serious side and one of them was the time
when Thomas Jefferson and Ben Franklin were appointed to the Great Seal
design committee. We pretty much were the Great Seal design committee.
Ben and I
had precipitated the war with the Declaration
of Independence so we were headed for the front
lines to defend it and what it stood for. The rest of
the forefathers wanted to prevent us two hot heads from
getting killed in battle since we were both dead set on leading
a charge against the English. So on the fourth of July,
1776, right after signing the Declaration of Independence, they voted for us to design a fancy emblem for
the Republic. This was preposterous and considered the
height of idiocy by us. We thought a seal was a waste
of money and a symbol of all the pomp and pageantry
of the 'Red Coated' English which we were rebelling
of us two could take it seriously with the war starting in earnest
got done on the seal for a long time. Congress thought it was because
nobody could draw. So congress hired a popular French/Swiss
portrait artist, Pierre Eugène Du Simitière.
If I am not mistaken he was a friend of mine that got
stuck in America when the war started. At the time there were
blockades that kept ships from sailing to Europe.
lead to another, then Jefferson and Franklin decided
they had enough of the fiasco so they would give congress
a seal they were certain to reject. That way we would
never be appointed to another stupid committee.
And Congress hasn't been the
My idea was
to take the lewd and vulgar route and threaten to corrupt
the republic. That way it was absolutely certain to get
rejected. I used a design based on a peeping Tom (no relation) observing
two scantily clad women through a triangular shaped
keyhole. These triangle locks and keys were even outlawed in one municipality
since they could easily be seen through. However, I recently found out that small triangle locks are still found on older pianos and you can still buy keys for them. The point being that if you had triangle keyed locks on your doors in your home then you were automatically condsidered to be a pervert.
Only the peeping
Tom in the seal should have been needed to get the
design rejected.* The most effective part I thought
would be the eye of young Thomas Jefferson.
view of Thomas Jefferson's eye's (right) is not straight on
of course and it was painted after 1790 but it is the most accurate one I could find. You can see
the painting here
on the Congressional library website. I was older and my eyebrows were thicker but it's pretty
accurate as far as details. You can tell from the shape
of the lids, the length of the eyebrows and every other
aspect that the eye is the same as the one that I
used on the seal. I used my wife's make up mirror to be certain that I was accurate.
let's discuss those delightfully well endowed young
ladies with their hidden attributes that are not very well hidden.
You will notice they dress
and look like many of Hugh Hefner's friends. The shear nature of the very
thin chiffon dress on the girl on the left side of the seal clings to her shapely
legs, almost totally revealing both of them, and their camel toe juncture. Then there are those waists that
have know a corset far longer and far more intimately tight than any honest
American woman would have ever endured. Then there are the full breasts
which made my wife wince the first time she saw them.
When I first showed the seal
to my wife (left) I wasn't sure what her reaction would be. After studying it
ten times as intensely as any man ever did I wasn't sure what was going
to happen or if I was going to even be able to sleep in the same bed that
night or if I were allowed would I hear the word 'no'.
Then she turned slowly and
looked me right in the eyes and mischievously said 'You are going to get
away with this aren't you'?
She immediately referred to
them as my 'nasty girls'. Then Ben noticed that the breasts of the girl
on the right were the same size and since her left arm was outstretched
that breast needed to be made a little smaller so that when she lowered
her arm they would match perfectly. Here is a second version of the great seal and I think it is the one with the modified left breast. It is a lot different than the above one.
After that touch up was made my wife
who liked to make puns and double entendres of a sexual nature called them
my 'twin pair of pears' which could also be thought of as a 'twin pair of pairs'.
I once left the design in plain view on the
table while I went outside to help my wife with some cuttings. (It's weird that I can actually
remember that we were making cuttings of hydrangeas.) When we finished
I came back into the house about two minutes before she did and I went right
back in to work on the design of the Seal. As I entered the room I saw
a crowd of about 30 women. Many were our black household help but
nearly half of them were the largest breasted of the field hands. The
house help had gone outside and brought them all into the room where they gathered around the
table looking at the seal and peeking in the tops of each
other's dresses to make on the spot size comparisons.
It shocked me into halting
mid step and about half way through the door way.
Then one of the women looked
up at me and as if to explain away what they were doing said 'Mr. Jefferson
we don't have any like them' and everyone there decided to back her up. In under ten seconds they all had stripped to the waist to show me. It
was stunning because it stunned me into not even being able to think and
then my wife walked in. She looked at them and then turned to me. Then
she calmly put her left hand over my eyes and determinedly with her right
hand pushed me backwards out of that room.
Bless her she never again said a thing about it. My God I do miss that woman. Her love was so sweet that she could entrance 30 children at a time.
closest thing that I have found to the seal of a similar nature is the standing liberty quarter. By
comparison to my two fair ladies she is a mountain of flesh that needs
more covering up.
George Washington's reaction
at the time was the same as most members of Congress. 'If you can get
the other members to agree then Martha will have to accept it'.
I remember the one congressman
who was adamantly against it. He had the skill
of being able to blow up in anger and still say exactly the right thing and I
didn't know anyone who could do that. I still don't.
He came off with. 'I don't
even know any of those kind of women. I don't even have any pictures of
those kinds of women. Not in my house, not in the office or in my latrine.
Why don't you just leave their breasts bare like the French do'?
I replied: 'Great idea, I think
you should get full credit for it and I'll see that you do'. His mouth
stayed wide open while I walked away.
Ben said it would never work. He said he would get us out of that detail by designing the back side of the seal.
He started off by making it zealously religious.
Most of the forefathers were
not very religious but they were all quite spiritual. They had an almost certain
deep reverence for God and they had all been frightened by the excesses that were done
in God's name like the religious fervor that had caused the Salem witch
hunts. They felt that most of the other cults like the Shakers and Puritans which
had actually started many of the colonies were repugnant and an embarrassment. Almost all the fore fathers
were frightened about attracting any more religious cults from Europe.
So, there in the lower middle
and right of the seal is the Army of Egypt being swallowed up by the Red Sea while
both Moses (on the left) and the Lord, as a flame and smoke, (high in
the center) look on. That made the seal a clarion call for cults all over the world.
Also, if you slow down a bit and look carefully at the 'Lord' you will realize that it appears to look a lot like a very friendly view of a woman's most private of areas. That is what Ben Franklin meant for it to appear to be. Nothing else. When asked about it he would reply with his sardonic wit 'well which do men revere above all others'?
I was very surprised that half of congress recognized what it was really a picture of. (What now surprises me now is that nobody since has recognized what it is.) Nearly everyone, even today, knows that Ben had a heck of a reputation and a naughty sense of humor. More than one senator stated they shouldn't have expected anything else but sex from the mind of Ben Franklin. You can even buy a book written about this side of his personality called 'Fart proudly'.
Two things sank the seal. One was what the 'lord' was a picture of and the other was the fact that if this seal had been approved then it would have attracted every
insane religious cult that had not already come to America.
His side of the seal was
rejected right away (and with it my side). They did not even put it to a vote. This is what
finally got us out of that assignment and prevented us from ever getting voted into any other pointless committees from then on.
Four years later the next committee was formed. It was a bit
worried about ignoring the work that Franklin and I had done so
they kept the eye and the Egyptian theme.
Before they got to the boring
final version they went through a whole bunch of ideas that were just
as dull as the assignment was.
By simply comparing
each succeeding seal you can see the digression of the design from specific
identifiable themes to unenjoyable junk.
And that my friend is the story
of the Great Seal of America. The seal does not have a specific or secret
meaning. Nor is it related to any secret society that has not yet been
It had no basis except for
what Ben did to save us from the drudgery and tedium of having to do this type of work.
Trust me, If the design
had any basis in metaphysics then I would employ it to win you over to my
side. I don't know anything that could support this web site more or faster than to say here
is the proof that we were all into metaphysics, spirits and past lives
but it is simply not true and since I am honest I won't lie to you about it.
*The purpose of including a
peephole was to get the seal rejected. Being a lawyer I thought it would
be voted against because of it's legality. Peeping was considered a theft of
major consequences. To wit a felony. When dowry's were common a young
lady's reputation had an actual dollar value. A peeping Tom (no relation
to this Thomas) would often share details about a virgin which was then used by someone
to embellish lies about their sexual conquests. The dowry would get cut
in half because of rumor alone.
There were lots of court cases involving this and
some involved not rumor but fact. I could probably recall 20 of these cases.
In two of these cases in the middle of the trial the father of the young lady decided
she should marry the man but the dowry stayed hers and her children's
(a prenuptial contract). Threats were made to extort additional land in
one case. The whole thing was a judge's nightmare controlled by a young girls lust.
Here is an example of one peeping Tom that
almost created a total disaster. At his own party one southerner,
a real gentleman most of the time, almost ran a young man through with
his sword. He gave the young man two seconds to identify the peeping Tom that had shared information about his daughter. The young
man had simply asked the girl if it was true that she had a birthmark in the shape
of Italy on her back side (rear end). The young man forked over the name within the allotted two seconds.
It was the girl's naive five year old brother who had innocently
told it to the younger brother of the young man that her father had almost killed.