OK, how do you hunt Polar Bears with spears?
Wildlife Science 109-Polar Bearology

He is not omnipotent but he thinks he is.

First understand the taxonomy of the animal kingdom according to Polar Bears. It has been greatly simplified due to the fact that they have no natural enemies.

Therefore Polar Bear taxonomy consists of the following phylum and class.

For Polar Bears all animal life including you falls into one of four classes. You must explain to the Polar Bear in terms he understands that you are classified as Phylum='Polar Bear', Class='Larger Bear'. If you are ever seen as belonging in the 'Food' column then you will automatically be subclassed as 'Edible'.

If that occurs you have about 10 seconds until you are dead, 15 seconds if you try to outrun the bear. Remember they can run faster than reindeer and you can't.

So you have to use your best acting skills to explain to the bear in language that he understands completely that you are a much larger bear than he is.

You only have to convince a one bear audience that that his eyes are totally deceiving him about your diminutive stature. You absolutely have to convince him that you are in reality the biggest, baddest and meanest 22 foot (7 meter), 3500 pound polar bear in the entire world and you can easily kick his measly 12 foot, 1000 pound arse.

This is how he will appear to you.

The next part has to be acting par excellent or else you loose BIG.

You have to run right at him yelling and screaming with your arms and hands swinging around like you are going to claw him.* If your performance is Academy Award material then he panics and he runs away about 50 feet until he asks himself 'what am I running for'?

As he turns to run away you want him to think that you are hitting him with your paw which is in reality one of the spears that you have thrown at him. Your timing must be nearly perfect so that you have taken three steps and are releasing the spear as he is turning to run which is...

..right about NOW. So when he has turned and..

...is putting his paws down on the ground right before he starts to run (just about NOW plus or minus 1/4 second) your spear hits him in the vital area.

If you hit him anywhere in the indicated yellow or red areas then the spear goes under his ribs, into the chest cavity and you have just killed your first polar bear.

If your spear hits the center red area it's the heart and that kills him almost instantly.

Hit him anywhere in the yellow area and you have penetrated the lungs and that shortens his remaining lifespan down to less than ten minutes.

As he runs, the lower back muscles, where the spear enters his body will cause the blade of the spear to sweep back and forth across the inside of his chest. Ideally you want to throw the spear with the blade slightly CCW of vertical so that it cuts with the grain of the bears back muscle and when he comes down on all fours the blade is situated in the vertical position. Then when the blade sweeps sideways as he runs it macerates his heart and lungs in one or two steps so he falls down dead in three to four steps.

Hit him anywhere else on his body and it is not immediately fatal. The spear falls out as he runs. The spear hurts but he only thinks that you have reached out and clawed him as he was running away. That happens to Polar Bears a lot so it's nothing new to the one you are hunting. It just confirms that you are the most dominant and most determined polar bear around. Now you have to move up and take over the territory that he thinks you have just chased him out of. I am assuming that spear fell out so pick it up. Don't feel you have in any way failed.

He will only run a short way, maybe 12 meters. Then he will turn around and look back at you. He wants to give up as little territory to you as he has to. He is now testing you to determine if he has left your territory.

Since you are a huge bear you need much more of your territory back. (Your mindset is that it is all your territory.)

Now you get to repeat the process and repeat it until you hit him in the vital area. Each time you move forward to take over territory you pick up the last spear you threw. I had to repeat this process 22 times to kill one bear.

If he realizes that you are not a bear and that you threw a spear at him, the tables will immediately turn 180 degrees and you will have about five seconds to say your prayers. In three seconds he will be on you and in two more seconds you will be his dinner.

Some pretty macho stuff? Not at all. There is no room for bravado or you are dead.

And always remember this. You can never even appear to the bear to back down or even hesitate, never even one time, never even a little or you will end up in that bears stomach.

Next, taken to the max, advanced polar bear hunting techniques 301.

*I grew up an active outdoors person. Many of my summers were spent in the Sierra mountains of California. One summer my mother asked me to beware because a mother brown bear and her baby were sighted multiple times in that area. It's a very dangerous situation because the mother bear might think that you are a threat to her baby.

Two weeks later I had finished fishing and I was walking home. I looked up to see the baby brown bear on the side of the road only a few feet on my right and for some reason I automatically looked to the most dangerous place its mother could possibly be and that was to my left.

Guess what? The mother was right there about 20 feet to my left and just then she looked up at me. I thought I was for certain going to get mauled by the mother bear.

My training from 1000 years years ago kicked in and before I could even think about what I was doing I automatically ran screaming at the mother as if I was the biggest Polar Bear around.

She took off to the west at about 25 miles an hour and completely forgot that she even had a baby. The baby took off for the east at about 20 miles an hour and forgot it even had a mother. I took off straight north as fast as I could run.

I ran half way home. Then I told my mother exactly what had happened and what I did to get away from the situation. She had the most horrified look on her face that I had ever seen. Honestly, that look on my mothers face scared me more than the mother bear did so I never told another person what had happened...until now.

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© 2005, 20 John Pinil